It is a scientifically proven that nowadays people are going nuts by the minute. And so the same discovery applies to the weather we are breathing of. Here in Milwaukee, the weather is acting like a woman with bad temper, or a guy with mood swing. It was snowing 4 inch thick the day before and by the time the sun rose it was already sunny. Such phenomanon can cause the effect known as snow slide or sudden bitching from the people living in it. It make me wonder if this is the climate acting all obnoxious like us, or is it just simply wanting to go to its spring phase so badly it shitz all over the town? The question remain unknown. The only good thing I'm crossing my finger on is the fact that now it is getting much better from 8 degree up to 28 degree in one day! That 's just something worth going out for in a city like Milwaukee.
Report back to Anaheim.
Monday, February 23
Tuesday, January 20
How Chuck is going crazy...
In other words I'm so tired of school by now. 2 essays and 2 midterms + 1 lab report and prelab... and it's just week 3 i can't believe I'm managing all that, oh, just remembered there is one more essay coming up. My brain is steaming, and is about to fly away through my ears.
On the other hand I'm excited for lent - getting ready already... I feel that it's going to be awesome, and i feel i will make it this year. Things to give out are in my computer, and i'm going to print those out tomorrow. yaya!
And another thing: I'm worried about eric, even though i don't know him, but i do not want to lose him, before i find him.
enough of this... I'm sad christina is leaving, come back soon, okay?! We have a lot to talk about, bitch! And yeah... I'm a nerd.
<3>
XOFU
I'm Chuck Bass.
Saturday, December 27
memory
Today I get to thinking about friendship. I got a chance to check out some of the old friends' picture and how they are still hanging out back in Thailand and it got me thinking how much I've missed out from them. We had been together since the first grade, through thick and thin of all the drama from the 12 years in school, and they still keep in touch. I wonder, if they still think of me when I barely think of them? I got to question about the strength of friendship and how it would last. People say that you need to put an effort to make it last and sometime it is just about how we are comparable to one another. Although I'm in a position where sourrounded by loving friends I never had, I cannot stop but wonder if this relationship with last. The one I had with those friends back home gradually die over time that we have been apart, so will that apply to this current one I'm having? The thought gave me a fright because that would be suck. It is not just a thought of loosing friend but also a part of me that I have left when I am with them. Chuck once said that "it is your life and people are just living in it", I find that truthful and too real to accept. Yet again, too pessimistic. It seems like I only have one pair of eyes to look foward and one brain to think of my memory.
Wednesday, December 10
Breaking the Pattern
Chrsitina is having her better day today. First of all, she would like to say that the "fire ritual" is definately hot and she will make sure her presence will be there. But as a reminder, Christina thinks that the burn will also need sometime to heal, so please don't expect her to just immediately "get over" whatever she wishes to burn in that particular event: message directly to Blair :D anyway, "let's move on"
I realize I have gain 4 pounds over thanksgiving and by munching on ice cream and eating my own feeling. Got stood up on monday by this big bitch, but that was all right. I could careless of him. It seems as if things will never get better. But today, I decide to take matter in my own hand. I went runing in the morning for like 2 miles and do other cardio excercises, and it felt good.
While in the gym I saw Brent playing with his ball under me while I was running on top. As a reminder, Brent is my class mate who I have a crush on: have an eye on, is a better word. We say hi to each other and suddenly things seem to brighten up. I love his smile and the way he give back to me like he really mean it and smile about that too. That's just the biggest turn on. He was by himself with his big basket ball rambling alone, but surprisingly, seems so enjoyable. I watch him as I run and it feels like I have been liking him for a such a long time.
That's when I realize that Brent has some resemblesnces to Lazar.
Hate to admit that perhaps my pattern goes: blonde: white: stupid-looking.
Well, not always. I like Brent's mystery of his quietness and shyness. He doesn't speak much, but I always see him able to work things out by himself. Perhaps he is a man of a few word but hits all the right spot. That is, aside from his charming physique, the new-found attraction I find in men. The mystery.
I realize I have gain 4 pounds over thanksgiving and by munching on ice cream and eating my own feeling. Got stood up on monday by this big bitch, but that was all right. I could careless of him. It seems as if things will never get better. But today, I decide to take matter in my own hand. I went runing in the morning for like 2 miles and do other cardio excercises, and it felt good.
While in the gym I saw Brent playing with his ball under me while I was running on top. As a reminder, Brent is my class mate who I have a crush on: have an eye on, is a better word. We say hi to each other and suddenly things seem to brighten up. I love his smile and the way he give back to me like he really mean it and smile about that too. That's just the biggest turn on. He was by himself with his big basket ball rambling alone, but surprisingly, seems so enjoyable. I watch him as I run and it feels like I have been liking him for a such a long time.
That's when I realize that Brent has some resemblesnces to Lazar.
Hate to admit that perhaps my pattern goes: blonde: white: stupid-looking.
Well, not always. I like Brent's mystery of his quietness and shyness. He doesn't speak much, but I always see him able to work things out by himself. Perhaps he is a man of a few word but hits all the right spot. That is, aside from his charming physique, the new-found attraction I find in men. The mystery.
Monday, December 8
Saturday, December 6
the Happening...
You are Cordially Invited to be there!!!
Dear, writers!
I'm delighted to inform you that there is an event, that we are all going to attend. It has to happen before the New Year, early in the morning of the new day warmed up by the fire, and later on by the intensity of the golden Californian Sun. It will be special, and hopefully very meaningful to each one of us. If there is a reason for you guys not to attend this event, we better make sure you do, so please tell me or Blair if there is any possible time conflict (Serena). Pardon me, I still did not explain the location, which is still undecided, however I am quite sure it's going to be on the sands of the Huntington Beach.
A list of things to burn:
1. Resolutions
2. Something you would like to let go of
3. Something you want to change within yourself, in other words improvement for better, and all that shizzz
4. A representation of one person you would like to forgive, and apologize to
5. An object that is very important to you, but is hurting you emotionally
6. A wish for someone
A list of things to brung:
1. Blanket for yourself
2. Ipod and speakers
3. Food and water
4. Candle for yourself - decorate one of those from the dollar tree store
5. Firewood, liquid, matches
After the "fire ritual" we close our eyes and say whatever we feel like saying, so you don't have to say anything if you just fall asleep right there. (For example, "I love you..." etc. Yes, Christina, you have to do this too) If you're still awake we will proceed with the closing ceremony, where each individual lights up their candle, and places it around the pit to die out on it's own. And we leave to eat some breakfast or sleep.
Hope didn't miss anything...
Charlie and Blair
Dear, writers!
I'm delighted to inform you that there is an event, that we are all going to attend. It has to happen before the New Year, early in the morning of the new day warmed up by the fire, and later on by the intensity of the golden Californian Sun. It will be special, and hopefully very meaningful to each one of us. If there is a reason for you guys not to attend this event, we better make sure you do, so please tell me or Blair if there is any possible time conflict (Serena). Pardon me, I still did not explain the location, which is still undecided, however I am quite sure it's going to be on the sands of the Huntington Beach.
A list of things to burn:
1. Resolutions
2. Something you would like to let go of
3. Something you want to change within yourself, in other words improvement for better, and all that shizzz
4. A representation of one person you would like to forgive, and apologize to
5. An object that is very important to you, but is hurting you emotionally
6. A wish for someone
A list of things to brung:
1. Blanket for yourself
2. Ipod and speakers
3. Food and water
4. Candle for yourself - decorate one of those from the dollar tree store
5. Firewood, liquid, matches
After the "fire ritual" we close our eyes and say whatever we feel like saying, so you don't have to say anything if you just fall asleep right there. (For example, "I love you..." etc. Yes, Christina, you have to do this too) If you're still awake we will proceed with the closing ceremony, where each individual lights up their candle, and places it around the pit to die out on it's own. And we leave to eat some breakfast or sleep.
Hope didn't miss anything...
Charlie and Blair
IDK
She was going to write about her man first, but i guess i have a luxury of time, while she's too busy reading the second Twilight book. i do not know why, and i have no idea how i may like someone like him. What is the point of going into the desert with no water, risking it all, just to get disappointed, and blended in within the stars, sand and wind. Cold wind. The wind that sharply cuts my cheek bones, that apparently are too highly placed for some people.
I hate it, how Rene says that the guy he raped is the right one for him. The right guy doesn't treat you like a disposable plate. The right guy doesn't fuck you like if you're a slut, raping and forcing to do something you don't want to do. The right guy is not the one who doesn't care, and you, Rene, would not cheat on him, if he really was THE ONE.
I would want to think IDK is the right one, but i do not believe he is. He says he's straight, but hey, i gave up all other connections, just for him. He's not the cute one. He probably is the smart one. He's not the rich one, but i bet he's a believer, or rather a dreamer, yet suppressed by something. I'm not hoping for anything, but I still can't let go, i just don't know how to do it. I don't Know. I Don't know. I do not know.
I have no reason to be furious and give in to rage. It's not like it's others fault it's not working out for me, or is it? But i know that this time it is not my fault. So Christina, don't tell me that I deserve it... okay.
Now to Christina: Wow, what a day you had there! Well, we read it here all together, and here is what i think: very poetic... it's vulnerable... not the spelling you used. But hey, don' give up your hope. I hate it when people tell you the time will come and you will have it all... but that's exactly what i want to say to you!
to my wife: I'm happy for you... and you know why!
to S: Love ya. =D... hope you're having a lot of fun with santa.
<3 Charlie
I hate it, how Rene says that the guy he raped is the right one for him. The right guy doesn't treat you like a disposable plate. The right guy doesn't fuck you like if you're a slut, raping and forcing to do something you don't want to do. The right guy is not the one who doesn't care, and you, Rene, would not cheat on him, if he really was THE ONE.
I would want to think IDK is the right one, but i do not believe he is. He says he's straight, but hey, i gave up all other connections, just for him. He's not the cute one. He probably is the smart one. He's not the rich one, but i bet he's a believer, or rather a dreamer, yet suppressed by something. I'm not hoping for anything, but I still can't let go, i just don't know how to do it. I don't Know. I Don't know. I do not know.
I have no reason to be furious and give in to rage. It's not like it's others fault it's not working out for me, or is it? But i know that this time it is not my fault. So Christina, don't tell me that I deserve it... okay.
Now to Christina: Wow, what a day you had there! Well, we read it here all together, and here is what i think: very poetic... it's vulnerable... not the spelling you used. But hey, don' give up your hope. I hate it when people tell you the time will come and you will have it all... but that's exactly what i want to say to you!
to my wife: I'm happy for you... and you know why!
to S: Love ya. =D... hope you're having a lot of fun with santa.
<3 Charlie
Wednesday, December 3
All in One Day
Today the snow came down hard. I had to present my final model to the public eye in the common area where I was critiqued. One of the TA gave me such a bitchy comment and asked so much question that I literally had to pull an idea out of my ass. But that was okay. I also played a pee-ka-boo game with the men I had had crush on. First it was Jordan the black guy. I pretend to go visit his work and ask too many question to get some attention, then there was nothing. Second time it was with Robert the Polish guy. We talked a little and I knew that he paid little attention to me, then there was nothing. The third time it was Nate my class TA. He asked how I pronouce my real name and that somehow gave me a little excitement, then there was nothing. The fourth was my classmate Brent. We had had many conversation about our background. I loved how he wore this tiny black gloves and hat on a snowy day and imagined to myself what would it be like to hold those hands in a particular snow day. Then there was nothing. All that were there were their wide shoulders moving away as our conversation ends. Sometime, I guess I change my hair or clothes just to catch their attention. And although I fantasize about having sex with them, what actually that I need from them is understanding and taking me as I am. Girls are for friendship, but Boys are for holding hands when I am vounrable. Is it too complicate of a thing that they cannot comply to me? Or I just appear too troublesome?
It is just a feeling. I wish I were a real man, so none of these would matter at all.
It is just a feeling. I wish I were a real man, so none of these would matter at all.
Wednesday, November 5
my best guy straight friend
my best straight guy friend vince emailed me a couple of weeks ago. he said that he would be spending the holidays here in the states and i was thrilled. i could not wait to see him since its been 4 years. he emailed me a couple of days ago and gave me a contact number. i called it this morning and he answered. i was so excited. it was like high school all over again except we're older and more mature but still having those high school jokes. it was like we never changed. as we talked, i missed home more. i miss everything that's great about my own country and hometown. i missed my school, family, friends and the loves i left behind. i felt sad and happy at the same time.
we were talking about a road trip to see each other and it was really nice. we both even went to mapquest to see where we are and discovered that we're 400 miles away!! it was funny...we're still the same.
i miss vince so much. he's like my connection to home. he said he missed me too and i love the way that our friendship is still there even if we havent seen each other for 4 years. i told him that i dont have money to go there and im really poor right now and he promised not to leave the US until we see each other.
i missed my best friend but now im happy that im finally going to have a connection from home. we have a lot to catch up on. i better log out coz ASSHOLE DAN is almost off work.
= S =
we were talking about a road trip to see each other and it was really nice. we both even went to mapquest to see where we are and discovered that we're 400 miles away!! it was funny...we're still the same.
i miss vince so much. he's like my connection to home. he said he missed me too and i love the way that our friendship is still there even if we havent seen each other for 4 years. i told him that i dont have money to go there and im really poor right now and he promised not to leave the US until we see each other.
i missed my best friend but now im happy that im finally going to have a connection from home. we have a lot to catch up on. i better log out coz ASSHOLE DAN is almost off work.
= S =
Monday, November 3
Saturday, November 1
another day of "you shoulds"
im sitting here at starbucks and i thought that it would be just a typical day...which it was.
DAN again bombarded me with YOU SHOULDS.
i hate it and its like i have a choice. i hated what he said last night. i was in a bad mood because of my past and that he's happy with how his life is right now and for some reason i took it out on him. i didnt do it on purpose and then out of nowhere just blabbed and said, "you're like that coz you got what you want from me." its so bad of me to admit it but a part of me is thankful and relieved but nonetheless, its not like im just going to walk away just because of that.
he's always challenging me to just give up, break up but he never has the guts to do it and when he does and i ask him not to, he would often be persuaded that he should stay. men and their inconsistencies. its to typical. why is it so hard for them to adjust to us? why is it so hard for them to just be softer sometimes? why is their ego so fucking big? i hate it.
there was a time in my life where i swore off men and im in that point where i want to swear off love because its gone.
what the hell.
im not making sense. fuck this shit. DAN is totally driving me crazy.
= S =
DAN again bombarded me with YOU SHOULDS.
i hate it and its like i have a choice. i hated what he said last night. i was in a bad mood because of my past and that he's happy with how his life is right now and for some reason i took it out on him. i didnt do it on purpose and then out of nowhere just blabbed and said, "you're like that coz you got what you want from me." its so bad of me to admit it but a part of me is thankful and relieved but nonetheless, its not like im just going to walk away just because of that.
he's always challenging me to just give up, break up but he never has the guts to do it and when he does and i ask him not to, he would often be persuaded that he should stay. men and their inconsistencies. its to typical. why is it so hard for them to adjust to us? why is it so hard for them to just be softer sometimes? why is their ego so fucking big? i hate it.
there was a time in my life where i swore off men and im in that point where i want to swear off love because its gone.
what the hell.
im not making sense. fuck this shit. DAN is totally driving me crazy.
= S =
they said that loving someone means letting go.
they also said that loving is letting go of fear.
i experienced that last night when i felt more emo than chuck.
letting him go for the better good of everyone around is something remarkable that i thought i'd never do. although i did not really have him for almost 4 years now, he was always in my heart no matter what. i thought that i would eventually fight for him in the future but things change and plans somehow lose its goal. i wanted to be with him to feel alive again but i cant do that anymore. its nothing more than a memory now.
having to do the right thing for him, his child and myself was an event that i never imagined of doing but i did. i made a decision that would make my suffer and be blessed at the same time. i would suffer greatly for the loss but i would be blessed threefold for doing the right thing for everyone.
i would have to admit that it was hard for me but after what i did and the events the took place, i felt relieved.
i guess true great love is letting go of fear.
i realized that i have a great true love for him because i have gotten over the fear of losing him so that i could do something right this time. i wanted to regret it myself and i kept on asking, "what the fuck am i doing? im such an idiot," but instead i felt the opposite. i did not regret what i did and i did not regret having to have helped him, his child and the mother of his child.
i prayed that someday i would feel that desire to love someone a greatly as this.
i prayed that someday i would feel that love that he has given me all these years.
i prayed that someday i would feel that i want to give love tremendously for someone like him.
i prayed.
that's all i can do and im thankful to myself because after such a long time, i actually sacrificed, gotten hurt and ironically felt great at the same time.
great love requires sacrifice and i just realized how my love may have saved both our souls.
= S =
they also said that loving is letting go of fear.
i experienced that last night when i felt more emo than chuck.
letting him go for the better good of everyone around is something remarkable that i thought i'd never do. although i did not really have him for almost 4 years now, he was always in my heart no matter what. i thought that i would eventually fight for him in the future but things change and plans somehow lose its goal. i wanted to be with him to feel alive again but i cant do that anymore. its nothing more than a memory now.
having to do the right thing for him, his child and myself was an event that i never imagined of doing but i did. i made a decision that would make my suffer and be blessed at the same time. i would suffer greatly for the loss but i would be blessed threefold for doing the right thing for everyone.
i would have to admit that it was hard for me but after what i did and the events the took place, i felt relieved.
i guess true great love is letting go of fear.
i realized that i have a great true love for him because i have gotten over the fear of losing him so that i could do something right this time. i wanted to regret it myself and i kept on asking, "what the fuck am i doing? im such an idiot," but instead i felt the opposite. i did not regret what i did and i did not regret having to have helped him, his child and the mother of his child.
i prayed that someday i would feel that desire to love someone a greatly as this.
i prayed that someday i would feel that love that he has given me all these years.
i prayed that someday i would feel that i want to give love tremendously for someone like him.
i prayed.
that's all i can do and im thankful to myself because after such a long time, i actually sacrificed, gotten hurt and ironically felt great at the same time.
great love requires sacrifice and i just realized how my love may have saved both our souls.
= S =
Friday, October 31
bullshit
hey bitches!
like you always would know, i hate DAN.
we're still here in the house and i dont know if we're going to leaving or going or leaving. fuck, he cant make up his mind. he's still into the "did you talk to your guy friends or what???"
hah.
i dont know what to do anymore.
help me LORD!!
= S =
like you always would know, i hate DAN.
we're still here in the house and i dont know if we're going to leaving or going or leaving. fuck, he cant make up his mind. he's still into the "did you talk to your guy friends or what???"
hah.
i dont know what to do anymore.
help me LORD!!
= S =
Thursday, October 30
Monday, October 27
haller!!!
this is the bitch speaking and you guys better listen up!
just kidding...i mean, I am a very nice person and I am here to listen to those who needs an ear. I can lend it to you.
But!!! I just want to say, before anything else, that I think that all you guys need to pull it together!!!
just kidding...i mean, I am a very nice person and I am here to listen to those who needs an ear. I can lend it to you.
But!!! I just want to say, before anything else, that I think that all you guys need to pull it together!!!
Sunday, October 26
Hook up or not to hook up?
Well, basically, after i was done with my homework, i've decided to ring my beloved you know who... Let's give him a name, shall we... Uma. lol... And he did not pick up... I was waiting for him to call me back, and i guess it won't happen, and if it does i will be happy. What are my chances though?! so i've decided to say whatever to it, and all depressed went home to do my fucked up laundry.
I had an offer to hook up just about 40 minutes ago, and i was about to do it... but something stopped me. I don't know what...
Maybe it was a desire to change my lifestyle....
Maybe it was because of Uma who doesn't even care...
Maybe it was a sign from the Lord...
But whatever it was, i've decided to just break it off... I guess i really am growing up... or am i?!
XOFU
I'm Chuck Bass
PS: i feel screaming: "LIFE!!!! FUCK YOU!" =D
I had an offer to hook up just about 40 minutes ago, and i was about to do it... but something stopped me. I don't know what...
Maybe it was a desire to change my lifestyle....
Maybe it was because of Uma who doesn't even care...
Maybe it was a sign from the Lord...
But whatever it was, i've decided to just break it off... I guess i really am growing up... or am i?!
XOFU
I'm Chuck Bass
PS: i feel screaming: "LIFE!!!! FUCK YOU!" =D
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)