Today the snow came down hard. I had to present my final model to the public eye in the common area where I was critiqued. One of the TA gave me such a bitchy comment and asked so much question that I literally had to pull an idea out of my ass. But that was okay. I also played a pee-ka-boo game with the men I had had crush on. First it was Jordan the black guy. I pretend to go visit his work and ask too many question to get some attention, then there was nothing. Second time it was with Robert the Polish guy. We talked a little and I knew that he paid little attention to me, then there was nothing. The third time it was Nate my class TA. He asked how I pronouce my real name and that somehow gave me a little excitement, then there was nothing. The fourth was my classmate Brent. We had had many conversation about our background. I loved how he wore this tiny black gloves and hat on a snowy day and imagined to myself what would it be like to hold those hands in a particular snow day. Then there was nothing. All that were there were their wide shoulders moving away as our conversation ends. Sometime, I guess I change my hair or clothes just to catch their attention. And although I fantasize about having sex with them, what actually that I need from them is understanding and taking me as I am. Girls are for friendship, but Boys are for holding hands when I am vounrable. Is it too complicate of a thing that they cannot comply to me? Or I just appear too troublesome?
It is just a feeling. I wish I were a real man, so none of these would matter at all.
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