memory

Today I get to thinking about friendship. I got a chance to check out some of the old friends' picture and how they are still hanging out back in Thailand and it got me thinking how much I've missed out from them. We had been together since the first grade, through thick and thin of all the drama from the 12 years in school, and they still keep in touch. I wonder, if they still think of me when I barely think of them? I got to question about the strength of friendship and how it would last. People say that you need to put an effort to make it last and sometime it is just about how we are comparable to one another. Although I'm in a position where sourrounded by loving friends I never had, I cannot stop but wonder if this relationship with last. The one I had with those friends back home gradually die over time that we have been apart, so will that apply to this current one I'm having? The thought gave me a fright because that would be suck. It is not just a thought of loosing friend but also a part of me that I have left when I am with them. Chuck once said that "it is your life and people are just living in it", I find that truthful and too real to accept. Yet again, too pessimistic. It seems like I only have one pair of eyes to look foward and one brain to think of my memory.

Breaking the Pattern

Chrsitina is having her better day today. First of all, she would like to say that the "fire ritual" is definately hot and she will make sure her presence will be there. But as a reminder, Christina thinks that the burn will also need sometime to heal, so please don't expect her to just immediately "get over" whatever she wishes to burn in that particular event: message directly to Blair :D anyway, "let's move on"

I realize I have gain 4 pounds over thanksgiving and by munching on ice cream and eating my own feeling. Got stood up on monday by this big bitch, but that was all right. I could careless of him. It seems as if things will never get better. But today, I decide to take matter in my own hand. I went runing in the morning for like 2 miles and do other cardio excercises, and it felt good.

While in the gym I saw Brent playing with his ball under me while I was running on top. As a reminder, Brent is my class mate who I have a crush on: have an eye on, is a better word. We say hi to each other and suddenly things seem to brighten up. I love his smile and the way he give back to me like he really mean it and smile about that too. That's just the biggest turn on. He was by himself with his big basket ball rambling alone, but surprisingly, seems so enjoyable. I watch him as I run and it feels like I have been liking him for a such a long time.

That's when I realize that Brent has some resemblesnces to Lazar.

Hate to admit that perhaps my pattern goes: blonde: white: stupid-looking.

Well, not always. I like Brent's mystery of his quietness and shyness. He doesn't speak much, but I always see him able to work things out by himself. Perhaps he is a man of a few word but hits all the right spot. That is, aside from his charming physique, the new-found attraction I find in men. The mystery.

4

red spots on my neck. I wonder what that it... allergy???

the Happening...

You are Cordially Invited to be there!!!

Dear, writers!

I'm delighted to inform you that there is an event, that we are all going to attend. It has to happen before the New Year, early in the morning of the new day warmed up by the fire, and later on by the intensity of the golden Californian Sun. It will be special, and hopefully very meaningful to each one of us. If there is a reason for you guys not to attend this event, we better make sure you do, so please tell me or Blair if there is any possible time conflict (Serena). Pardon me, I still did not explain the location, which is still undecided, however I am quite sure it's going to be on the sands of the Huntington Beach.

A list of things to burn:

1. Resolutions
2. Something you would like to let go of
3. Something you want to change within yourself, in other words improvement for better, and all that shizzz
4. A representation of one person you would like to forgive, and apologize to
5. An object that is very important to you, but is hurting you emotionally
6. A wish for someone

A list of things to brung:

1. Blanket for yourself
2. Ipod and speakers
3. Food and water
4. Candle for yourself - decorate one of those from the dollar tree store
5. Firewood, liquid, matches

After the "fire ritual" we close our eyes and say whatever we feel like saying, so you don't have to say anything if you just fall asleep right there. (For example, "I love you..." etc. Yes, Christina, you have to do this too) If you're still awake we will proceed with the closing ceremony, where each individual lights up their candle, and places it around the pit to die out on it's own. And we leave to eat some breakfast or sleep.

Hope didn't miss anything...

Charlie and Blair

IDK

She was going to write about her man first, but i guess i have a luxury of time, while she's too busy reading the second Twilight book. i do not know why, and i have no idea how i may like someone like him. What is the point of going into the desert with no water, risking it all, just to get disappointed, and blended in within the stars, sand and wind. Cold wind. The wind that sharply cuts my cheek bones, that apparently are too highly placed for some people.

I hate it, how Rene says that the guy he raped is the right one for him. The right guy doesn't treat you like a disposable plate. The right guy doesn't fuck you like if you're a slut, raping and forcing to do something you don't want to do. The right guy is not the one who doesn't care, and you, Rene, would not cheat on him, if he really was THE ONE.

I would want to think IDK is the right one, but i do not believe he is. He says he's straight, but hey, i gave up all other connections, just for him. He's not the cute one. He probably is the smart one. He's not the rich one, but i bet he's a believer, or rather a dreamer, yet suppressed by something. I'm not hoping for anything, but I still can't let go, i just don't know how to do it. I don't Know. I Don't know. I do not know.

I have no reason to be furious and give in to rage. It's not like it's others fault it's not working out for me, or is it? But i know that this time it is not my fault. So Christina, don't tell me that I deserve it... okay.

Now to Christina: Wow, what a day you had there! Well, we read it here all together, and here is what i think: very poetic... it's vulnerable... not the spelling you used. But hey, don' give up your hope. I hate it when people tell you the time will come and you will have it all... but that's exactly what i want to say to you!

to my wife: I'm happy for you... and you know why!

to S: Love ya. =D... hope you're having a lot of fun with santa.

<3 Charlie

All in One Day

Today the snow came down hard. I had to present my final model to the public eye in the common area where I was critiqued. One of the TA gave me such a bitchy comment and asked so much question that I literally had to pull an idea out of my ass. But that was okay. I also played a pee-ka-boo game with the men I had had crush on. First it was Jordan the black guy. I pretend to go visit his work and ask too many question to get some attention, then there was nothing. Second time it was with Robert the Polish guy. We talked a little and I knew that he paid little attention to me, then there was nothing. The third time it was Nate my class TA. He asked how I pronouce my real name and that somehow gave me a little excitement, then there was nothing. The fourth was my classmate Brent. We had had many conversation about our background. I loved how he wore this tiny black gloves and hat on a snowy day and imagined to myself what would it be like to hold those hands in a particular snow day. Then there was nothing. All that were there were their wide shoulders moving away as our conversation ends. Sometime, I guess I change my hair or clothes just to catch their attention. And although I fantasize about having sex with them, what actually that I need from them is understanding and taking me as I am. Girls are for friendship, but Boys are for holding hands when I am vounrable. Is it too complicate of a thing that they cannot comply to me? Or I just appear too troublesome?
It is just a feeling. I wish I were a real man, so none of these would matter at all.