my best straight guy friend vince emailed me a couple of weeks ago. he said that he would be spending the holidays here in the states and i was thrilled. i could not wait to see him since its been 4 years. he emailed me a couple of days ago and gave me a contact number. i called it this morning and he answered. i was so excited. it was like high school all over again except we're older and more mature but still having those high school jokes. it was like we never changed. as we talked, i missed home more. i miss everything that's great about my own country and hometown. i missed my school, family, friends and the loves i left behind. i felt sad and happy at the same time.
we were talking about a road trip to see each other and it was really nice. we both even went to mapquest to see where we are and discovered that we're 400 miles away!! it was funny...we're still the same.
i miss vince so much. he's like my connection to home. he said he missed me too and i love the way that our friendship is still there even if we havent seen each other for 4 years. i told him that i dont have money to go there and im really poor right now and he promised not to leave the US until we see each other.
i missed my best friend but now im happy that im finally going to have a connection from home. we have a lot to catch up on. i better log out coz ASSHOLE DAN is almost off work.
= S =
Wednesday, November 5
Monday, November 3
Saturday, November 1
another day of "you shoulds"
im sitting here at starbucks and i thought that it would be just a typical day...which it was.
DAN again bombarded me with YOU SHOULDS.
i hate it and its like i have a choice. i hated what he said last night. i was in a bad mood because of my past and that he's happy with how his life is right now and for some reason i took it out on him. i didnt do it on purpose and then out of nowhere just blabbed and said, "you're like that coz you got what you want from me." its so bad of me to admit it but a part of me is thankful and relieved but nonetheless, its not like im just going to walk away just because of that.
he's always challenging me to just give up, break up but he never has the guts to do it and when he does and i ask him not to, he would often be persuaded that he should stay. men and their inconsistencies. its to typical. why is it so hard for them to adjust to us? why is it so hard for them to just be softer sometimes? why is their ego so fucking big? i hate it.
there was a time in my life where i swore off men and im in that point where i want to swear off love because its gone.
what the hell.
im not making sense. fuck this shit. DAN is totally driving me crazy.
= S =
DAN again bombarded me with YOU SHOULDS.
i hate it and its like i have a choice. i hated what he said last night. i was in a bad mood because of my past and that he's happy with how his life is right now and for some reason i took it out on him. i didnt do it on purpose and then out of nowhere just blabbed and said, "you're like that coz you got what you want from me." its so bad of me to admit it but a part of me is thankful and relieved but nonetheless, its not like im just going to walk away just because of that.
he's always challenging me to just give up, break up but he never has the guts to do it and when he does and i ask him not to, he would often be persuaded that he should stay. men and their inconsistencies. its to typical. why is it so hard for them to adjust to us? why is it so hard for them to just be softer sometimes? why is their ego so fucking big? i hate it.
there was a time in my life where i swore off men and im in that point where i want to swear off love because its gone.
what the hell.
im not making sense. fuck this shit. DAN is totally driving me crazy.
= S =
they said that loving someone means letting go.
they also said that loving is letting go of fear.
i experienced that last night when i felt more emo than chuck.
letting him go for the better good of everyone around is something remarkable that i thought i'd never do. although i did not really have him for almost 4 years now, he was always in my heart no matter what. i thought that i would eventually fight for him in the future but things change and plans somehow lose its goal. i wanted to be with him to feel alive again but i cant do that anymore. its nothing more than a memory now.
having to do the right thing for him, his child and myself was an event that i never imagined of doing but i did. i made a decision that would make my suffer and be blessed at the same time. i would suffer greatly for the loss but i would be blessed threefold for doing the right thing for everyone.
i would have to admit that it was hard for me but after what i did and the events the took place, i felt relieved.
i guess true great love is letting go of fear.
i realized that i have a great true love for him because i have gotten over the fear of losing him so that i could do something right this time. i wanted to regret it myself and i kept on asking, "what the fuck am i doing? im such an idiot," but instead i felt the opposite. i did not regret what i did and i did not regret having to have helped him, his child and the mother of his child.
i prayed that someday i would feel that desire to love someone a greatly as this.
i prayed that someday i would feel that love that he has given me all these years.
i prayed that someday i would feel that i want to give love tremendously for someone like him.
i prayed.
that's all i can do and im thankful to myself because after such a long time, i actually sacrificed, gotten hurt and ironically felt great at the same time.
great love requires sacrifice and i just realized how my love may have saved both our souls.
= S =
they also said that loving is letting go of fear.
i experienced that last night when i felt more emo than chuck.
letting him go for the better good of everyone around is something remarkable that i thought i'd never do. although i did not really have him for almost 4 years now, he was always in my heart no matter what. i thought that i would eventually fight for him in the future but things change and plans somehow lose its goal. i wanted to be with him to feel alive again but i cant do that anymore. its nothing more than a memory now.
having to do the right thing for him, his child and myself was an event that i never imagined of doing but i did. i made a decision that would make my suffer and be blessed at the same time. i would suffer greatly for the loss but i would be blessed threefold for doing the right thing for everyone.
i would have to admit that it was hard for me but after what i did and the events the took place, i felt relieved.
i guess true great love is letting go of fear.
i realized that i have a great true love for him because i have gotten over the fear of losing him so that i could do something right this time. i wanted to regret it myself and i kept on asking, "what the fuck am i doing? im such an idiot," but instead i felt the opposite. i did not regret what i did and i did not regret having to have helped him, his child and the mother of his child.
i prayed that someday i would feel that desire to love someone a greatly as this.
i prayed that someday i would feel that love that he has given me all these years.
i prayed that someday i would feel that i want to give love tremendously for someone like him.
i prayed.
that's all i can do and im thankful to myself because after such a long time, i actually sacrificed, gotten hurt and ironically felt great at the same time.
great love requires sacrifice and i just realized how my love may have saved both our souls.
= S =
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